Ask Nora Psychic Advice Column
A free weekly advice column from a genuine Psychic Reader.
December 17, 2005
Nora my brother has always been horrible to me. With Christmas coming up, it really makes me sad we can't just be civil to eachother... I'm 37 years old and I don't want to do this whole drama thing anymore. Why does he hate me so much?
I sense that your brother does not hate you at all, but that he has a very deeply seeded jealousy of you. Ever since you were children it has burned within him, and it feels like it's a part of his perception that is basically cemented into his thoughts. He has carried this pain around for a very long time and it still influences his behaviour today.
Think back to when you were children, and when you would be in trouble or have problems in school. Your parents were fairly understanding and tolerant of you, especially your father. Now think back to what would happen when he was in trouble or having problems in school... the standards and the expectations were very different. His punishments were more severe, and there was always pressure put on him to excel in school work, sports, to be disciplined and mature. As a result of this double standard, he has felt ever since then, that you had it easier than he did, that you were spoiled and he was somehow cheated. He was always criticized and pressured, and he saw you not having to bear that burden.
This is of course not your fault, you were just a child in the same environment, created by your parents, but he didn't see it that way through his eyes at the time, under all that pressure and frustration, you became one of the people he saw as the cause of his difficulties, and unfortunately that really stuck with him.
If you want to try and reach out to him, to heal this gap between you, I suggest a letter. Because the emotions for him would be very raw, and it may be hard to say all you want to say in person, the written word may be the best choice.
In the letter you could explain to him how you saw him when you were kids, point out the double standard in the way you were treated in the home, and let him know how you feel about it. Tell him how you feel about him now (I know that despite everything you still love him very much and admire everything he has accomplished), and try to share with him what you would like to have with him as a relationship now (a friendship above all!).
I sense very strongly hun, that if he knew you recognize his struggles, that he has had to work a bit harder all his life to please your parents, and that he is a smart, accomplished and respectable man who deserves to be treaed as such... if he knew you really cared, he would open up to you and see that you have never been part of this, and you could both be on the road to healing.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years, before that we dated for 2. When we were dating, he cheated on me twice, he felt really bad and we got over it... he promised to be faithful and good to me, and he was. The problem is that now I am feeling angry about it, it was a long time ago but I feel worse about it than before. Can you tell me Nora, are we going to be able to work this out again and be happy like before?
I am picking up a lot of suppressed emotion in you, a lot of buried hurt that has festered and turned to bitterness, and I see this is why so much of your negative feelings about the incident are coming back to you. When you found out about his cheating those years ago, you were so focused on not losing him, on keeping the relationship going, out of love for him and unwillingness to let go of that beautiful future you had planned together, that you took your pain, your hurt, and you sealed it up in a neat little package, and tucked it away into the dark corners of your thoughts and your heart, where you thought it would never bother you again... but unfortunately feelings cannot be silenced and that hurt has gotten nastier, turned to anger, frustration, bitterness and jealousy. It's important, now that this has resurfaced, to deal with it and try to get yourself to a place where you haven't just accepted or ignored the incident, but where you have healed the wounds it caused, and truly forgiven him.
I sense very strongly that your husband is a good man, and that he has been faithful and honest with you since that time. You could have a very strong and happy marriage, but it's in your hands, determined by how you deal with your pain and your anger. Because this can't just disappear or be pushed out of your thoughts again. Often feelings like this lead to uncontrolled jealousy, unsubstantiated worries of infidelity, insecurity, and sometimes even lashing out with the same behavior, to "show how it feels".
You are a very intelligent woman, and from what I am seeing hun with some reflection, self awareness and real honesty with yourself about your feelings, followed by a genuine effort to heal and move forward, you will be fine. Just remember, there is a huge difference between ignoring a problem, staying the course and hoping it will go away, and truly working it out, healing, forgiving, accepting and then growing stronger together.
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